I have been reading a book recently called Letting Go, and it talks about how you are supposed to allow yourself to fully feel whatever feeling you feel in the moment you think it instead of pushing it away. That has helped a lot with my anxiety. There is a part of me, though, that is holding onto the parts I want to let go of. It's an odd realization as all I have ever wanted to do was fix myself.
Today was the first really hard day in a long time. I send my kiddo to a private school. It's the best school in the state, at least, so says "people". I worked very hard to send her there as it was expensive, even with the scholarship money. When she first started going there, I was still driving my old, beat-up 2006 Nissan (it was a great car; I only recently got a new one, and she served me well for years). It's obvious we are not rich; it is also obvious that my child's dad isn't really in the picture. I knew going into this how I would be looked at, and that didn't really bother me. As long as it didn't impact the kids' schooling and friendships, I am fine with that. And since being there, we haven't had any indication that faculty have felt any differently towards us. They sent out an email a few days ago stating they would be mixing the first graders, the "regular" class with the "triad" class. Triad is for children with learning differences like dyslexia and ADHD. My daughter has had some struggles, nothing serious, but we (my mom and I - my mom, bless her, is my co-parent) are getting her tested further this summer. I thought it would be a great oppertunity for her to learn how to be accepting of others AND also get some extra help as they were planning on having 2 teachers in each class of 15-17 plus a teacher's aid. The next day they emailed a nevermind email saying that a bunch of parents spoke out and they would no longer be doing it. I found out from another parent that they only had 2 triad students for next year, and that is why they wanted to do this, when some of the multi-generational families (who have been donating for years and years and are millionaires) had a problem with it, they put the whole thing to bed. The 2 students would have to go in a class by themselves next year. How horrible! I emailed the school because I wanted to understand what was going on and also raise concerns for those 2 students. Also I am concerned because if things go that way for my child I wouldn't want her segregated from her classmates. They never even emailed me back. I know from a group text with some other parents that they were all given meetings. Not me. And I know why. I am a seemingly low-income single mother whose voice doesn't matter in their eyes. I had been feeling great about myself lately. This crushed me. And if I don't matter to them, does that mean my child doesn't either?
So all the feelings of inadequacy have come rushing back, things I thought I was over a long time ago. I am naturally a person who really has no care in the world what others think. I don't know why I have allowed myself to feel this way but I have.
I know there is a big lesson in this, and I can't wait to see what it is, but at the same time, it just sucks. I keep thinking, well, when I win the lottery, I will just buy myself a seat at the table, but at the end of the day, do I really want to have my child in an environment like that where we have to buy our way in to have our viewpoint heard?
So sorry to hear that. Life can certainly be unfair and challenging. Your post is very interesting. As context, there is an intelligence to life. It speaks to us through life. In your post we can see three elements of this: 1. You are reading a book about the significance of 'letting go'.
2. You encounter a circumstance in life that triggers you in a way that you are struggling to let go.
3. You recognise that there is indeed a lesson.
If you would indulge me to help point a bit of the way: Yes, allowing yourself to feel is important, but, so too is it just as important not to hold onto things. By your will you choose to hold. If you do so strongly, when you should do so gently, then it is your ego that is trying to possess and control that which, truly, does not belong to you. And so, like a bird trapped in a cage, is rage - and of all that nature you hold within, I pray you find a way to let go. Let go so as to allow yourself to 'breathe'. For it is only in 'breath', as easy as it comes and goes, is life - opposed to death.